


Substitutions

by Love (crazylove)



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-05
Updated: 2010-03-05
Packaged: 2017-10-07 18:02:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris has a confession and Megan is the only one who understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Substitutions

Megan knew he was there before she even saw him.

Whoever said Kris Allen didn't have a _presence_ didn't really know him. It wasn't the bodyguards who gave him away either though on second glance Megan decided that they were ust a couple of buff guys sitting next to him. It wasn't his simple button-down shirt or the glint of the stage lights reflecting off his wedding ring. He was Kris and his energy filled the room and touched her right where it used to, right above her solar plexuses, and it was just like performing last summer when her set would lead to Scott's set and Lil's and on and on.

She didn't really want to think about the rest.

But it wasn't last summer. This was a new summer and this was her show, just her's, the band's show. Joirider. Their name hung on a banner behind her on the small stage. That was another reason this summer was nothing like last summer. All of the stages Megan performed on now ranged from small to smaller. She didn't care though. It gave her more control, the way she could strut from side to side without getting winded and she could look at everyone in the eyes no matter if they were in the front row or the very back.

So she lifted her head at the end of her fifth song and watched him until he was looking at her in the same way and the final notes flowed out of her mouth like a sweet, cool exhale after chewing a piece of strong mint gum.

It was the kind of show that left her legs shaking. The excitement in the room was so strong. She'd take 200 people who were totally entranced by her over 30,000 people who were just waiting for someone else any day. Megan wasn't delusional about her life. Not anymore. She had expectations, she had goals, but they were reasonable, attainable and always changing. She didn't expect to be a superstar with her music or acting or modeling, any of it. For now, she was grateful to be able to make a living expressing herself in her own way. Each day was a little better and each day she got a little closer.

It was important to keep moving forward.

Megan dressed quickly because she had to see him and as soon as she was done someone knocked on the door. They didn't even ask, just said in a pleasant voice, "Kris Allen is here."

Kris stood on the other side of the door with flowers. Megan grinned at him. "What is this a date? Or are you in trouble?" She took the flowers with a laugh.

He laughed, too. "You know me," Kris said. "I'm polite."

"These are so pretty," Megan said, stroking the petals gently. It was a bouquet of yellow roses and Megan felt a little wistful because she hadn't gotten any flowers in a long time. She put the roses on the make-up table.

"Yellow," Kris said. "I like that color."

"Me too," Megan said. She put the roses on the table and hugged him. Kris could seem tiny sometimes, even in her arms but tonight she really felt Kris's arms around her and he was squeezing her so tight she thought she might come off the ground.

"Wow," she said, when they both finally let go.

"I missed you," Kris said.

"We shouldn't go this long without seeing each other," Megan said, pushing her hair out of her face. It wasn't awkward with Kris but sometimes it could be a little surprising.

"I know," Kris said. "That's my fault. I should have caught you in LA."

"What are you doing here?" Megan asked. Salt Lake City was a second home to her. They were regulars at this particular bar now; they came practically every other week. The best part was that she could always go straight home afterward, hop in the car just like she was a regular mom with a day job. At home she was just Megan, no expectations, no acts. She liked leaving her home life in the suburb and her performing life in the city.

It was good to have a clean break.

"Show," Kris said. "We got here a day early. I don't understand it. It's strange. Punctuality."

"So you're here for the night?" Megan asked. Her heart was in her throat before she could fully process the words. She swallowed painfully.

"Yep," Kris said. "The whole night."

"I'm heading back tonight." Megan looked over her shoulder like she would see her band standing there but then she remembered she and Kris were in her dressing room. Alone. She turned back to Kris. "It's been so long."

Kris held up his hands. "Don't let me keep you. I just wanted to say hi."

"No," Megan said quickly. "I mean, you know I want to hang out. We should hang out. Unless..." She trailed off because it hadn't even occurred to her that Kris might have somewhere else to be or have someone else to hang out with. "Is Katy--"

"I do want to," Kris said before she could finish. "Hang out. If you want to. I'd love it."

"Okay," Megan said. "Just let me..." She walked over to the flowers and picked them up again. Kris seemed to understand as she left him in her dressing room. She walked down the hallway, her heels clacking against the tile floor. There were still a lot of people around and they all said hi to her or something else but she just nodded and smiled. Someone offered to help her look for something to put the flowers in but she shook her head with a polite smile. The roses didn't have any thorns but her hands hurt anyway as she clutched them to her chest.

She backed into the door and pushed it open so that she was standing outside in the quiet night air. Megan took a deep breath and tried to talk to herself rationally. It had been so long ago—a couple of months-- and she should be over it by now.   
They were beautiful yellow roses tied together with a blue bow, the kind of attention to detail that most people couldn't even imagine anymore. It was a kind gesture, a friendly present, something Kris didn't even have to do. Hell, he didn't have to even come to her show. It had nothing to do with the last time she got roses. It wasn't anything like the last time. Kris didn't even know about the last time.

She couldn't stop thinking about the last time.

Megan looked around, heart pounding furiously. She was alone in the back parking lot of the club and everyone was still inside, laughing and talking about a show well done. She felt guilty for a moment but all of a sudden the wind kicked up and then the feeling passed.

She threw the roses in the dumpster.

* 

 

If she was really honest with herself then she'd admit that she couldn't stop thinking about them.

Even now, in the hotel bar, the only place that seemed open, with Kris and a cold beer in front of her. she couldn't stop thinking about them. Matt. Anoop. Mostly Anoop even though she had incredibly vivid sex dreams starring Matt and even orgasmed the one time which was both frightening and wonderful when it happened, so much so that she couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Seeing Kris reminded her of everything.

"Incredible show," Kris said. Megan tilted her head, staring at that funny smile he got on his face sometimes, that half-smirk with his tongue poking through his teeth.

"You're just saying that," Megan said. She ran her thumb along the edge of the table. It was just like last summer when everyone would stay up in a secret room at the hotel just talking, especially if they had a day off the next day. Kris was rarely there, though. If they had a day off then Kris was already gone.

"I would never just say that," Kris said and Megan knew it was true.

"Been working on it," Megan said. "Some people say it's too angry."

"Angry?" Kris said. "I didn't get that at all. I felt a lot of passion there. It was intense, but that doesn't mean angry."

"It can be a little angry," Megan said.

"Yeah, that's sexy," Kris said, nodding. "A little angry."

Megan had to laugh at Kris's matter-of-fact assessment of the sexiness of her show. Kris grinned and whatever weirdness that had been lingering between them seemed to melt away. Megan leaned forward and slid her hands across the table. Kris took both of them and gave her a good squeeze before letting go.

"I could use a little more angry," Kris said.

"I bet your show is perfect." Megan hadn't seen it yet but most things about Kris were, especially his music. She had never worried about that.

"Maybe it's the leather," Kris said. "You look really good in those pants. I almost stopped breathing when I saw you turn around in them. Getting angry is a little sexy. That was very sexy."

Megan paused. She hadn't imagined that Kris would ever be saying anything like that to her.

"Well," Megan said, surprised at how quickly she could slip into this, her flirtatious voice. "I guess I should have turned around more."

Her heart slipped into a faster rhythm and she wondered if this was the real reason Kris had come to see her tonight. It didn't make sense though. She glanced at Kris' left hand.

"Seems wrong that you saw my little show and I haven't seen yours," Megan said. "I mean, you're selling out stadiums every night."

"I would say that's an exaggeration," Kris said, shaking a finger. "Besides, it's not very interesting. I just stand there and I'm all awkward like, hi. Here's a song. I guess."

Megan laughed, shaking her head. "You know that's not true. It's electrifying, Kris. Just like you are. I don't know how many times people have to say that to you."

Kris chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. "You know how I do."

"Yeah," Megan said thoughtfully. "I guess you haven't really changed."

Kris started laughing and Megan knew what that laughter meant. At first she felt embarrassed but then she was only relived. She had definitely changed over the past year and it was comforting to know that no matter how successful and talented Kris was he still wasn't immune.

"So, what's changed then?" Megan said. The waitress came back with a couple of beers. Megan didn't even remember drinking her first one but the bottles clinked together as the waitress took them away, empty. Kris took a long swig from his beer and looked at her thoughtfully.

"I'm just not the same guy," he finally said in a low voice.

"Is that a bad thing?" Megan asked.

Kris's eyes were still locked with hers. It was an intensity she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Maybe," he said.

"What happened?" Megan asked. She pushed her chair in a little closer and she could feel the heat of Kris's legs near hers. They were shaking, tapping up against his chair leg. She rested her foot against his calf. It quieted the shaking, but just a little.

"What happened," Kris repeated. She watched him spin his wedding ring on his finger. She remembered when she used to wear one and the way it made her hand feel heavy sometimes or not so much heavy but weary. Burdened.

She wondered if Kris felt like that now.

"Katy--" Kris said and his voice cracked, not like he was about to cry, but like a teenager's whose voice was changing. He cleared his throat and started again. "I cheated on Katy."

"Yeah?" Megan said. She kept her foot where it was and clutched her beer bottle. She couldn't say she was all that surprised, even with Kris staring at her with his innocent brown eyes.

"Yeah." Kris exhaled loudly. Megan watched his face. The color seemed to come back to his cheeks.

"Was it a lot?" Megan asked quietly.

Kris smiled and it seemed like he was smiling mostly to himself in a sad, ironic way. "I don't know how to quantify it. I guess it was more of a relationship. While it was happening."

"Does Katy know?" Megan asked.

"Not completely," Kris said, titling his head from the side as if that would keep Megan from seeing the whole truth at well. "But she does know some things. Right now, we're separated."

"Wow, Kris," Megan said. "That's pretty major."

"Yeah," Kris said. The sadness seemed to overtake him then. She saw the droop in his shoulders and he started blinking a lot and his mouth looked unnaturally fragile. Megan reached for him, grabbed his hand and ran her thumb over his knuckles. He had small, pretty fingers that reminded more of Matt than Anoop but the callouses on his fingers weren't like anyone else's.

"Do you think this will be forever?" Megan asked. The wedding ring was still there but she wasn't sure how close Kris was to the end.

"It was Adam," Kris said, eyes still wide and sad and honest. "So I think that this is it."

Megan wanted to gasp but then she felt something else building in her chest, maybe a laugh or possibly a scream. She eased Kris's fingers open and pressed her nose into the palm of Kris's hand and then her lips. His hands were rough and she liked them like that.

"Adam," she breathed into his hand. She wanted to say that she understood how bad that could hurt but she knew that wouldn't help.

"It was mostly during the summer," Kris said. "Last summer. The tour. But I told her anyway. I know I shouldn't have. But I had to."

Megan nodded, mouth still pressed against his hand. "Too bad Adam isn't into chicks," Megan mumbled. When she lightly moved her tongue against Kris's palm he pulled his hand away.

"I know," Megan said, straightening up in her seat. "Matt, Anoop and I had a thing and it started last summer, too."

Kris raised his eyebrows but he actually looked excited before he started blinking and then he looked at her with concern.

"How did that..." Kris trailed off for a moment. Megan watched him wet his thin, pink lips. "How did that work out?"

"It didn't," Megan said, flatly, because it was obvious from the way she had just been molesting Kris's hand that nothing had worked out at all.

"Did you...?" Kris's questions were actually in his eyes. He was looking at her, looking for something, some kind of happy ending or a way that loving two people at the same time could possibly work out. She stared right back at him, keeping her eyes wide and unblinking, lips slightly parted so that he could see that there was no hope there.

"It was good," she said. "For a little while. No, for a long time. Me and Anoop and Matt... we all had fun together. Great sex, Kris." She watched him for any sort of reaction but he just took a deep breath that seemed to have nothing to do with her. "And we were all friends. And we loved each other. I thought that could be enough. I don't know. But there was the distance. I'm in Utah, Matt and Anoop are in LA, you know? I had to face reality that the boys didn't need me any more."

"How did you know?" Kris asked quietly.

"The way Anoop looked at him," Megan answered. She didn't even need to think about it. The moment it all became clear to her was still right there, lingering in the front of her mind. She had dreams about those looks that weren't meant for her. "I couldn't compete with that." She stared at the dark bottle in front of her before glancing at Kris again. "What is it about you guys?"

Kris looked at her for a moment, then began downing the rest of his beer. She watched his adam's apple bob up and down as swallowed. He had such smooth skin. She wanted to suck him there, immediately.

"Is that what she sees?" Megan asked when Kris was only holding his empty bottle. "When Katy sees you looking at Adam? Is that why you're separated?"

Kris pulled his wedding ring off then. It popped off his finger and out of his grip and skidded across the table and landed on Megan's lap, light as a whisper. She left it there for a moment before closing her hand around it.

"Do you want to come to my room?" Kris asked, eyes on the table.

Megan stood up. She knew exactly what she was doing.

"The thing is," Megan said, pushing her chair in. "I never blamed him."

She paused for a moment, trying to think of some profound way to explain it so it just didn't sound like randomness and happenstance but maybe in the end that's all love really was. She didn't really know. Kris finally looked at her, waiting. She expected the hesitation but there was something else in his gaze too, something that made her feel more at ease. Megan took a deep breath and slipped Kris' wedding band in her pocket. "I didn't blame Anoop because I knew he couldn't help it."

* 

 

She expected it to take longer, for them to have a few more drinks, but as soon as she sat next to Kris on the couch in his hotel room he reached for her and Megan closed her eyes. She hadn't been kissed since the last time, not since April and it was Matt who kissed her with tears in her eyes. It was hard to let him go but it didn't make sense how much harder it was to say goodbye to the one who didn't even want her.

Kris didn't kiss how he looked like he would kiss. She had thought about it before, especially during the show and even pecked Kris on the lips a couple of times but this was completely different. He was slow and deliberate with his kisses, changing the pressure from hard to soft to _hard_ so that she had to pull away for a moment and take a quick breath. He cupped her face, fingers splayed behind her ears and then they moved back in her hair and his tongue tangled with hers, strong and sure of itself in a way that Megan didn't expect.

He pulled her hair gently as she leaned away from his lips. She wondered if he knew that hair pulling drove her crazy.

"Kris..." Megan whispered.

"It's my birthday, today," Kris said. He was still so close to her mouth that she couldn't focus on him properly.

"Oh," Megan said. "I'm sorry. I didn't remember--"

"It's okay," Kris said. His hands tugged her shirt up just past her navel. He touched her there while she pulled her shirt all the way off. She wished she was wearing the leather pants now, just for him, but she only had jeans on, loose ones, comfortable and saggy in the back. It didn't seem good enough. Not for this.

"We can do whatever you want," Megan said. Kris's lips crushed up against hers again. He bit her lip, maybe on accident and she welcomed the pain.

"No," Kris said. "That's not why I said that."

"I don't care," Megan said. "That's what I meant." She dipped down and sucked Kris's neck just like she wanted to. He was satisfyingly sweet there and she felt his neck vibrate as he hummed with pleasure in the back of his throat. She reached down and squeezed his thigh gently. Kris had trim, small thighs, not as muscular as Anoop's but they contained plenty of their own strength.

"Birthdays don't even mean much anymore," Kris said. "But I think that's why they gave me the day off today. I don't know, really. I didn't ask."

"Birthdays mean something to the people who care about you," Megan said. "I care about you."

They kissed again and Kris was a little gentler this time which wasn't what Megan wanted. She dug her fingers into his jeans and sucked on his bottom lip. Kris finally brought his hands up and rested them on her bare sides, no hint of metal anywhere. She kept kissing him, harder and harder, until she felt a little dizzy and Kris's fingers brushed her skin just under the bottom of her bra. She reached back and unsnapped her bra but Kris was the one who eased it away from her body and then he carefully draped it over the back of the couch. Megan's nipples were erect simply from the fresh air and she rubbed her hands over her breasts, used to months of doing this herself. She was the only one who really knew how to touch them.

"You can tell me to do anything," Megan said, squeezing her breasts together. Kris put a hand over hers.

"Let me touch you," he said. She let her hands fall to her sides, almost reluctantly and then Kris's hot breath was right there, glancing over her chest until he took one of her nipples in his mouth and flicked it with his tongue before sucking her. He pressed small kisses all over her breasts, hands pressed against her spine and she leaned her head back a little, just enjoying it while she absently patted his hair.

He kissed her lower and her stomach twitched. She wasn't sure what he wanted, exactly, and she knew he wasn't going to tell her, not even if she begged. She thought maybe she was a Katy substitute but it didn't make sense because even though she might be physically small like Katy that was the only thing they maybe had in common. She wasn't even a blonde anymore.

But she was happy to let Kris have his fantasies because she had them too. When Kris's fingers finally found the waist of her jeans she imagined that it was Anoop's fingers there. When she lifted her hips and let Kris pull her jeans all the way down she could see Matt's curly hair and his silly smirk full of lust.

"Megan," Kris said as Megan laid back on the couch. Kris grabbed her hips and slid her towards him, just a little, and she could see his biceps twitch under his shirt and she was reminded once again that people didn't give Kris credit. They didn't give him credit at all.

This time when she felt his tongue against her skin she didn't think of someone else as he licked her all the way up to her breasts. He kissed her neck, sucking and nipping until she could barely breathe while his hand was stroking her stomach and then he was there, under her panties and when he pushed two of them inside of her, his fingers were the perfect size.

"I just want to fuck you," Kris said, lips against her ear. His fingers found her clit and she sucked in her breath, ass tightening with pleasure.

Megan thought that maybe this wasn't about substitutions after all. Maybe Kris only wanted the same thing she wanted; to be touched, to feel something other than rejected and used, left to pick of the pieces when you didn't even create the mess. Maybe it all felt the same, even though Kris was more like them, Kris was the one who had screwed it all up so nobody was sure if they were being loved the way they deserved to be. Megan had no idea where Adam was, how he felt about the whole thing, but it was obvious that he wasn't around from the way Kris clutched her and stroked her, finger-fucking her slowly and then harder as her breathing quickened and she couldn't help moaning in a way that she hadn't moaned in a long time. There was no one around to make her do that.

No one except Kris.

"He left too," Kris said, as if he could read her mind. Two fingers inside of her, the other hand on her thigh and now his lips were working their way down from her neck, down, down, down, but he was talking in-between the collisions of teeth, tongue and lips against her sensitive skin. "You know Adam. He's honest." There was that anger there and she knew he was right. It did make people a little sexier. She felt like her body was a different kind of microphone as Kris growled, "He's just too goddamn honest."

Then Kris's head was between her thighs and for a few moments she couldn't even think as Kris snaked his tongue into all of her crevices, aggressively licking his way into her cunt and she squirmed, squeezed her thighs against his head, panted and whimpered before she caught herself, biting down hard on her lip. He knew exactly what to do, lapping up her wetness and sucking hard enough on her clit to make her come within a matter of minutes.

"Oh," Megan said, even though she could barely breathe. "Oh, Kris."

"I wish we could have tried," Kris said, sitting back on his haunches and Megan could barely see him over her heaving chest. "All of us. That's really stupid, right?"

"If I could change it," Megan said, when she found her voice again, when the waves of pleasure had subsided just a little bit. "I wouldn't change anything."

She was glad that they weren't going to make it off the couch. Kris had condoms in his bag and Megan laid there, alone, where her mind could have wandered to before, to her futile fantasies, but she kept it in the present, watching Kris undo his belt and his pants dropped to his feet. He had a cute, hard ass that she hadn't really noticed before and when Kris turned around she was pleased with how his cock looked, erect, covered and ready to go. She wanted something substantial to push against. As soon as he was back hovering over her she grabbed the back of his neck with both hands and pulled him down so she could feel his mouth on hers and she brought her knees back to her chest, letting them spread wide apart. When she felt Kris finally pushing his way inside she draped her legs over his shoulders.

"Okay?" Kris said, even though he was already there and she could feel him slipping back again into that quiet, unassuming role. She reached down and cupped her hands around her ass, pulling him in further because she wanted him as far as he could go and also because she wanted to remind him that he was allowed to be more.

"Kris," Megan said. He was still wearing his shirt, buttoned up all the way to the neck. She grabbed him there and pulled it apart. The buttons scattered everywhere and she wasn't even sorry. Kris shrugged his shirt off quickly and kissed her like she wanted to be kissed. He finally seemed to get it as he grunted above her.

"Kris," Megan said. "I want you to fuck me. Just like you said."

Honestly, she didn't think he would be able to go hard, not like she was used to, not like those late nights when she used to grab the bedposts and hold on because everything was shaking and she wasn't even quite sure who was fucking her from behind but she was wrong. Kris knew how to fuck—hard--and she listened to his groans and the slap of their bodies together rising over her own moans and gasps and sighs. It was like when he was performing. Just when she got used to the rhythm he would switch to something new and then another angle and Megan was holding on, trying to keep up, sweat beading on her brow and below her nose, sweat gathering under her arms while Kris's hot solid body was pressed on top of her. She arched her back as she felt her orgasm building but Kris didn't let up, he just went harder and harder and Megan couldn't last any longer. She let it grab her, coming sharply while moaning his name just because she wanted to, because she wanted to hear how someone else's name sounded coming from her mouth and it sounded glorious.

Kris was still moving on top of her, mouth sucked in with concentration and she let out her breath in a rush when she felt Kris come a couple of minutes after she did. His face was red and he looked different but she couldn't explain why. She was scared he might try to hold her but he got off her, standing up and she took him all in. His muscles were still taut but there was something else there, an inner strength pulsating just below the surface like Kris wasn't quite sure what to do with it.

"You'll be okay," Megan said and she was speaking for both of them. Megan knew she was strong. She just hated having to constantly prove that by being hurt over and over again.

"I miss last summer," Kris said with an apologetic shrug. She felt his disappointment and she could understand. She thought being with Kris might bring last summer a little closer. But it was still very far away.

"Hey," Megan said. She got dressed quickly, putting her jeans on last. His wedding ring was still in the pocket. She dropped it back into his open palm.

"You don't have to go," Kris said and Megan smiled because she didn't want him to change completely. "I've got plenty of room here. I could take the couch..."

Megan shook her head. "Don't worry. I'm not tired and home is only a half hour away."

She waited until Kris was in his boxers and then they hugged, warm and comforting and familiar.

"Thank you," Kris said.

"Happy birthday," Megan said.

The air outside was sharp and cold. Megan wrapped her arms around herself and Anoop suddenly flashed in her mind. His arms wrapped around her on a chilly night, waiting for Matt to come out of the next room. She didn't quite know if the memory was real or just something she still longed for. It didn't matter. Everything that had already happened was supposed to. She had a right to live her life with no regrets.

Megan walked faster, fishing her car keys from her coat. She wanted to get on the road. There were only a couple hours until sunrise and Ryder would be waiting.


End file.
